Why Success is a Poor Substitute for Self-Awareness
Jan 28, 2021
"Be who YOU want to be, not who THEY want you to be." - Unknown
{Written by Jason}
As a society, we are obsessed with winning, success and the elusive process of "becoming more than we are now."
For many of us, the myriad motivations to "be better" started at a very young age. The importance of getting good grades, achieving a high SAT score, being the best at dance, karate, music, sports or science – these achievements, and the attendant motivations to please our parents or the adults in our lives – became ingrained in our subconscious minds. The idea that once we achieved something "successful" it would therefore prepare us for the next level of our lives, be that college, work, career or earning money.
On the surface, it seems pretty normal, doesn't it? This relentless encouragement from our parents, teachers, coaches, clergy and friends to win, to succeed and to become high achievers. But what if this mentality isn't sustainable in the long run? What if this mindset is conditioning people to formulate and become attached to unrealistic expectations and motivations for their lives?
This kind of formulaic conditioning encourages a rote "A + B = C" approach to life. If we just say the right things, play the right games, make the right alliances, and put forth Herculean efforts in our work, we'll eventually get rewarded... right? Unfortunately, this approach seems to work pretty well for children operating in the closed systems of school and household. But, it doesn't automatically guarantee that we're going to receive similar results as adults.
As adults, we quickly learn that life can be an often confusing, chaotic, difficult-to-manage experience that doesn't respond to formulaic thinking or behavior. Often times, people have a moment of "oh shit, this isn't working" in their lives that, in some cases, can be traced back to a structure of unsustainable motivations and compensatory behavior trying to get the love we didn't receive as children and deeply desire as adults.
Success and trauma healing
Will Smith once said in an interview, "There's no amount of success that's going to heal your trauma." When I first heard him say that, it hit me like a bowling ball in the chest. I resonated with that sentiment so much. I started to reflect on how much I was being motivated to succeed in my life because there was a deep, gaping hole of unworthiness in my consciousness that I adopted after my Father left when I was 5 years old. I created a motivation construct in my mind that if I finally achieved the level of fame, success and financial abundance that my Father had chased his whole life, I'd finally be worthy of his love, approval and recognition. I would finally be "enough". This was a really tough pill to swallow, but I needed to have this realization and start the work to heal this deep trauma of abandonment and unworthiness in my life.
I think there are a lot of people in this world who are trying to overcome/defeat/heal their trauma through material and egoic success. The idea that getting more attention, significance, influence and financial abundance will make us a "better, more loveable, more worthy" version of ourselves is a rampant and potentially destructive psychological trope that continues to be parroted in many forms by advertisers, media, corporations and marketing executives. So much of our global economy is fueled by scarcity, comparison and the idea that purchasing a product or service is going to somehow magically make you a better person. But it's fools gold. It's like devouring a really delicious fast food meal, only to find yourself voraciously hungry 15 minutes later because you're unsatisfied and lack true nourishment.
If we don't collectively and individually work on healing our deepest traumas, we're going to continue to leverage the motivation to pursue material success as a flimsy surrogate to the deeper healing, acceptance, love and sense of wholeness that we actually desire at the core of our being.
"I'd rather feel joy in a Civic than cry in a Lamborghini." - Gary Vaynerchuk
Goals vs. Aims
The difference between goals and aims comes down to this: a goal is a finite achievement that has a definitive end point. Once you win the match, make the specific amount of money, write the book, the goal is complete and the "game" is over".
An aim has no definitive endpoint. Creating aims in life is playing an "infinite game" as author James P. Carse describes in his seminal book, Finite and Infinite Games. This means that an aim such as, "I want to be a more loving, generous and caring person" has no endpoint or date of completion. Rather, an aim can serve as a guidepost to embody a new way of being in our lives. It's not about chasing, hustling or pushing toward something, which are many verbs used in reference to the pursuit of worldly goals. Having aims in life is about setting intentions for being, for embodying a way of life that is an ever-unfolding experience of life, discovery, curiosity, forgiveness and relentless experimentation – without expectations attached to dualistic outcomes like success/failure or winning/losing. With an aim, there no binary value metric to adhere the outcome of your efforts to.
Unsustainable motivations
Unsustainable motivations attached to the completion of temporal goals have an expiration date, meaning once you reach the specific goal you've set, there's usually another goal right there waiting around the corner. We can so easily become obsessed with fixed, binary success metrics that we never take the time to ask WHY we keep being motivated by temporal, material goal-chasing.
Unless we question why we are motivated by chasing our goals, we can get caught in a neverending hamster wheel of trying to attain more self-worth and self-actualization through the acquisition of status through arbitrary measurements. Conversely, if we can get clear about why we want certain things in life and treat them as open-ended aims that encourage growth, evolution and self-awareness, we can let go of our unrelenting attachment to winning, achieving and becoming greater versions of ourselves.
Examples of unsustainable motivations and temporal goals:
> "I want to lose 20 pounds to be ready for swimsuit season this year."
> "I'll finally feel like a success in life when I'm making seven figures."
> "Once I get to 10,000 followers on Instagram, I'll have made it."
Examples of sustainable motivations and infinite aims:
> "I want to feel good, vibrant and healthy in my body."
> "I want to make money to do good things and help people in this world."
> "I'm going to use social media to create meaningful connections with others."
As a point of consideration, I'm going to bring in Plutarch's summary of Alexander the Great after he conquered the Persian empire. There's a lot of scholarly debate as to the accuracy of the sentiment and translation, but it will illuminate the danger of attaching one's view of self to goal achievement and motivation:
It is reported that King Alexander the Great, hearing Anaxarchus the philosopher discoursing and maintaining this position: "That there were worlds innumerable: fell a-weeping: and when his friends and familiars about him asked what he ailed. Have I not (quoth he) good cause to weep, that being as there are an infinite number of worlds, I am not yet the lord of one? "
Alexander set out to conquer the world, yet, when he perceived that he did, he wept, because he realized that there would ALWAYS be more worlds to conquer. This reflection from the ancient texts can serve as a parable for unsustainable motivations and unattainable goals. Or, in the words of Tears for Fears, "everybody wants to rule the world." But does anyone ever ask why?
Self-awareness and new metrics for life
Few people ever engage in the deep and sometime painful process of self-inquiry to find out why they're so motivated to succeed, why they punish themselves for perceived failures and if the binary metrics to assess their value in life are even healthy.
In his book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k, Mark Manson says:
"These why questions are difficult and often take months or even years to answer consistently and accurately. Most people need to go to some kind of therapist just to hear these questions asked for the first time. Such questions are important because they illuminate what we consider success or failure. Why do you feel angry? Is it because you failed to achieve some goal? Why do you feel lethargic and uninspired? Is it because you don't think you're good enough? This layer of questioning helps us understand the root cause of the emotions that overwhelm us. Once we understand that root cause, we can ideally do something to change it."
"But there's another, even deeper level of the self-awareness onion. And that one is full of fucking tears. The third level is our personal values: Why do I consider this to be success/failure? How and I choosing to measure myself? By what standard and I judging myself and everyone around me? This level, which takes constant questioning and effort, is incredibly difficult to reach. But it's the most important, because our values determine the nature of our problems, and the nature of our problems determine the quality of our lives."
It's time that we all do the deep work to discover the real root of our motivations, our goals and our values. It requires a ton of courage, the willingness to take an honest look at our trauma and to create our own personal, sustainable motivations for fulfillment and contentment independent of society's conditioning and dogma.
"The moment of victory is too short to live for that and nothing else." - Martina Navratilova